Woke up this morning feeling particularly down.
Not sure what caused it, but I desperately want to know what the fuck is wrong up in my head.
I've been talking with a friend about my work routine these days, mostly encompassing browsing Wikipedia for more information about things like existentialism, nihilism, and various mental disorders. Could be that my somewhat narrow "research" ends up feeding into this feeling of nothingness, but it's like a particularly vicious train wreck that I just can't stop gawking at.
I dearly and sincerely hope that my particular end state is complete disability from social anxiety and/or severe depression, because the idea of continuing to work with or around other human beings is excruciating.
I also find myself opening up more and more to the idea of therapy. Having someone to talk to whose specific job is my particular malady could end up being somewhat helpful, though I'm also burdened with guilt over the idea of sharing my particularly toxic mindset with someone specific.
The reasoning?
I've heard for years now the idea that toxic attitudes are contagious. That the way you carry yourself and behave around your social circles—be they personal or professional—can end up spreading like wildfire, for better or worse.
Some folks are indifferent, and they'll shrug off your behavior without issue.
Others are more receptive, and will respond accordingly.
So taking that into account, therapists end up finding themselves in a particularly vulnerable situation. Assuming that they have genuine empathy for others, they find themselves alone in a room with their patient, listening to their problems and analyzing their issues. Providing insight into what could've been the root cause of their suffering.
But what of the therapists themselves?
Given enough of a toxic load of the wrong type, could they find themselves succumbing to the same void as their patient?
To be clear, I'm not trying to say that I'm anyone remotely special in terms of my mindset, but it'd take a substantial toll on me to find out that a therapist I started seeing ended up taking their own life.
And so I sit here.
I wait.
And consider my options.