I've done at least one post in the past detailing my day-to-day, but that was more of a bulleted list kinda deal, so I figured I'd revisit the idea in a more expanded way.
Ladies and gentlemen (and everything within and without), I give you... my daily routine.
Sometimes I've got bubbleguts, sometimes I don't. This decides whether or not my morning starts off with an emergency bathroom run or a casual one. Bathroom needs satisfied, I return to bed and scroll through whatever new nonsense has populated reddit since my last perusal and contemplate the day. More often than not, this contemplation is deeply steeped in brooding depression. I may or may not reflect on the past actions that have led me to this point. I'll definitely consider what the worst outcome could be if I just didn't go into work today (obviously, assuming it's a work day).
It's also this point where I remind myself that I should be thankful for the multiverse theory, as it means that somewhere out there, there's a version of me that's truly happy.
Kerri is generally pretty patient about it, but Pola is—as you'd expect from a puppy—a bit more rambunctious and forward. I force myself to get back outta bed, and we make our way downstairs. Depending on whether or not I feel like it's gonna be a longer day at work (perceptually speaking), I may pop a frozen pizza in the oven.
I pull on my clothes, put on their harnesses, and lock them in. Once outside and the coast is guaranteed to be clear from the random early-morning dog walkers, we get started. In the past year or so, I've found myself listening to the Freakonomics podcast. More recently, I've started realizing that I come back from the walks a bit more agitated as a result; the content is generally entertaining and informative, but the ads make up a solid 40% of the overall experience. What's worse, they've recently started panhandling for donations on the front end as well.
The morning walk is the girls' longest, coming in at exactly a mile. Both of them have many pees and at least a single poop each. I dutifully pick up after them and drop it in the HOA-provided bins near the front office. There's always a small army of rabbits around the neighborhood, and I've no problem with Pola trying her luck at catching one.
So far, no dice.
I free them from their harnesses. If there was a pizza in the oven, I take it out, cut it into six slices, add some random seasonings and my ghost pepper powder, and wash the pizza cutter. The girls are waiting patiently just outside the kitchen for their post-walk treats. I grab the treats and lead them back upstairs. A quick pit stop in the office to drop my Apple Watch on the charger, then back into the bedroom. I latch the baby gate behind me so they can't escape unsupervised into the house now that they're awake.
Treat for Kerri.
Treat for Pola.
I go into the bathroom and turn on light, fan, and the shower; water temperature slightly cool. As it's running, I brush my teeth with a somewhat inexpensive electric toothbrush while continuing to scroll through reddit. Thirty seconds in each quadrant of the mouth, and then the toothbrush turns off. I rinse it, replace it on its charger, then hop in the shower. One squirt of body wash lathered on my face, then rinsed. Two squirts of shampoo/conditioner for my hair, lathered in and left while I continue on. One squirt of body wash lathered into my crotchal region. I take my well-worn shower scrunchie and lather up two squirts of body wash and wash everything else, ending on my back side.
Thoroughly rinse all the things, shower off. Grab a towel, briskly dry my high-and-tight hair. Skipping the face, I dry my arms, torso, butt, crotchal region, and legs. Open the shower door and step out. Boxers on.
I turn on the faucet to the hottest setting and place my razor under the stream while I put some shaving butter on my face. Water off, razor up. Against the grain, I quickly scrub off whatever managed to grow since the last shave. If it's the first shave of the week, I'm guaranteed to have no nicks and the smoothest shave of the week. If not, results vary wildly. I rinse off the remaining crud, dry my face, and drape the towel over the shower door. A quick application of Old Spice Fiji deodorant under each arm, and a squirt of moisturizing lotion rubbed over my face. Particular attention to my nose since that has the tendency to dry out more quickly.
Light off, door opened and closed as quietly as possible to not wake the wife if she's still asleep. By the subtle glow of my phone's screen, I find the girls.
Kiss on the noggin for Kerri.
Kiss on the noggin for Pola.
If the wife is awake, she gets a goodbye kiss. If not, I'm not gonna risk waking her.
I grab a pair of socks, a brown undershirt, and leave the bedroom, latching the baby gate behind me. Grab the watch from the office, change out the battery for my e-cig if necessary. Cursory glance of the peppers to make sure they've got enough water.
Stop in the kitchen, grab two frozen breakfast burritos, cut off a corner of their bags for venting, and put them in the microwave on a paper plate.
I press 3 for the quick three-minute setting, and it's off to the races.
Socks on. Shirt on. Open the closet and grab my uniform from the hanger. I put on my pants, grumble at those stupid fucking crotch buttons. Left boot. Right boot. Left blousing strap. Right blousing strap. I put on my blouse, close the closet door and make my way to the shelf by the front door. Car keys in my right shoulder pocket, wallet in my back right pocket. KitKat is on the couch meowing. I put her on her kitty shelf so she can grab some food and water since she's too lazy to get up there on her own.
A quick pat of my left thigh pocket to make sure I've got my badge and ID.
Back into the kitchen, I manage to stop the microwave just before zero. Package up my lunch in my lunchbox, and then fill my 64oz Hydroflask knockoff with two small cups of ice. Add some water flavoring, then fill up, seal, and shake. Grab an energy drink from the fridge, the lunchbox, and head out into the living room. Hydroflask knockoff and energy drink in the backpack, I grab my cover and everything else, then head outside; door locked behind me.
Backpack and lunchbox in the passenger seat. Phone plugged in, cover upside-down on the lunchbox. I take out my badge and ID, and put them in the cover.
Seatbelt. Start up Nebula, and wait for her engine to settle down.
Podcast resumes playing. Windows may or may not be a bit foggy, requiring the liberal use of the defoggers and wipers. Once visibility is decent, I check for any randos that may be coming before reversing into the street and then head out to work.
Right. Left. Right. Left. Right. Left. Left. Right. Left. Left.
Depending on the situation, we may have gate guards present, or I may need to badge in. If the latter, I wait 45 seconds for the gate to open, pull through, and stop. Another 45 seconds for the gate to close.
Park. Engine off. Phone in the center console, and depending on the forecast for the day, I may crack the windows a bit to keep things from turning the cabin into absolute hell by the end of the day. Badge on, ID in left breast pocket, cover on. Open the door, grab my lunchbox and backpack, get out.
Sling the backpack over my left shoulder and close the door. As I step away, Nebula locks behind me and I make my way inside.
There may or may not be a Sailor on watch, which may or may not lead to a "good morning".
I slide my door sign to "IN", and close the door behind me.
I turn on my radio while furiously spamming the volume down so as not to wake the sleeping duty tech next door. Volume is at 8, tuned in to 93.7 BOB FM.
Lunchbox on the desk, backpack underneath. Grab my trusty bottle of hotsauce from my locker and sit down. Slide my ID into the reader and log in. Depending on whether the goddamn thing rebooted over the night, I may be in for a ten-minute wait for everything to get situated.
Crack open my journal and make my opening entries for the day:
DDMMMYY DayOfTheWeek (JulianDate) ■ Arrived @ Time ■ 4/10 ○ Task 1 ○ Task 2 ○ etc...
I sit down, set the e-cig on the desk. Take out the Hydroflask and set it alongside the e-cig. Take out the energy drink and set it to my right. I dig out my burritos, grab a pair of scissors and cut from the vents I'd made earlier to the end of the wrapper. Dry the scissors of their condensation, and put them away.
Click Outlook shortcut. Log in.
Outlook may or may not fail to open. If it does fail, I click again. Success.
Open Edge and go to Google News.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see the wallpaper of Nick and Judy in the tram above the Forest District.
"I feel ya, Nick. I feel ya."
Eat the burritos while swapping between doom-scrolling the shitty state of the world and the amazing state of technology. Fold the wrappers into a somewhat neat square and put them back into the lunchbox. Hot sauce goes back into the locker. Open the energy drink and most-likely obliterate it in seconds.
Check any email that may have come in since the last time I checked. Respond if necessary, sort into the appropriate folder or Shift+Delete if not important.
Boss man normally gets in between 0745 and 0800.
I sit, legs propped up on the desk, and ponder the day.
Random conversations with random people and usually random taskers and meetings throughout the day, and then I leave. Stuff as much as I can back into the backpack, slide my door sign to "OUT", and depart. Trip home is obviously the reverse of the trip to work, and now I get to fight the traffic I spared myself from by leaving so early.
So much screaming in Nebula's cabin that I'm sure she's got tinnitus as bad as—if not worse than—my own.
Get home, gather up my things, get out of Nebula, then head inside.
Pola acts as if she hasn't seen me in years, while Kerri hangs back like the good girl she is. Much loving is dispensed on both. Kiss the wife, and quickly catch up on each other's day.
Get out of uniform, return everything to its rightful place for tomorrow's repeat performance, get dressed into civilian attire and take the girls out for a much shorter walk unless the weather is too insanely hot.
Get back home, strip down completely, and grab one of my 32oz tumblers. Fill half with ice. Grab the cheap whiskey I keep stocked and fill to just below the top of the ice; the remaining space is then filled with Pepsi.
Head back to the living room, grab a PS5 controller, boot up the console.
Sit down, take a gulp of booze, and play to fill in the void.
Every two hours, the girls remind me that it's time for another walk. I oblige.
Rinse out the tumbler and set it in the rack to dry. Wife may or may not join me as I head upstairs.
I climb into bed, make sure all five of my alarms are enabled for the morning, then set the phone in its charger.
Laying on my belly, I do what I can to tune out the shrill tinnitus that keeps me company as I eventually drift off into oblivion.
Every day.
Unless I don't work.
Then it's just booze. And video games. And walking the girls. Hanging out with the wife. Tending to my plants.
And generally, just avoiding humanity as much as possible.